The "Sound off" apology

Ok, well my last blog was a pretty good sound off. I had a frustrating three days and it seemed like so many people were coming down hard on me, including one dork threatening to commit suicide over me. I gave him a peice of my mind and he didn't die though.I am definately my mothers daughter. Telling someone off when they want to die. I get so tired of the games people play and the judging. And yet really there are so many wonderful people out there. They just didn't happen to show face during my bad time! So anyway, I apologize for being a little stinky! It will probably happen again though............................LOL

Divorce

Yesterday I went to the electric store to get help with a hot water heater. My hot water is ..well, there is none. So off I go to see the electrician to find out which part he wants me to order. I walk in and the person I need to see is not in. So the old fart (I can call him that because I have known him since I was a little girl and he truly is an old fart) that was in started to take my name down and phone number. He starts writing "jackie parker" then he stops and says "Oh, the divorced one." I was a little stunned, so I stumbled on my words "uh yes. I'm divorced.............." And i am thinking "but, well, I do have an identity. really, I do. I'm a person....I have feelings....sometimes a thought or two slips through not that anyone really cares to hear what those thoughts are. And...oh! I don't have leprosy! So that's good. .............." "Uhmm...ya. I'm the divorced one," I finished with a whisper.......... Not that he was paying any attention. he was scribbling on the paper complaining about the "god damn people around here". So I said a very quick goodbye and ran out the door. It's so weird to go through a divorce. So painful and people who have never experienced it stand in judgement as though THEY KNOW. The anger and emails I recieved during and after my divorce from Christians became pretty regular. Things have kind of settled down lately, so this incident kind of shell shocked me. People don't realize what it is like for me to go to church. Truly I would rather stay at home alone than go to a church and be so lonely. To me the church is the loneliest place on earth for someone like me. People think I don't go to church, but I have quite a few times. I have gone to the Crossing about 4 times since my divorce. I can assure you those people would not remember I graced their doors. I have been to John and Sandy's church and to the Baptist church a few times. And then there is the times I go to Wallowa for special things the kids are involved in. Sometimes it can be quite amusing. People run to me and even start crying...gushing about how they have been thinking about me and have missed me so much! I'm like "Gosh, I must have missed that phone call." Others in the church look at you like you have some disease. The women stay away from you because you are "the divorced one" and they seem to think you are so pathetic that you are desperate for a man so you must be out to get their man. What they don't realize is that you really want NO MAN at all. The men of course don't talk to you because well...you are the "divorced one". The greeting time is the worst time. Usually I stand there and very few come up and the ones who do say a quick "Hi how are you" and run the other direction. Wow, thought they wanted to know how I was. And the truth is, no one really wants to know how you are. Now, don't get me wrong, not everyone is like that. I can think of all of two ladies in the church at Wallowa who genuinly care about me. One of those ladies stops by my office and visits sometimes. She loves unconditionally. So really isn't that what it is all about? To love one another unconditionally. I watch the church, they have their little potlucks and close the door to the "sinners" out there. The very thought of stepping foot in a building with people who judge me makes my stomach nauseated. When I went through the divorce the church literally turned on me. It wasn't the church that was there for me, loving me. It was the world. It wasn't the church that was there helping me when everything in my house: heater, dishwasher, dryer, hot water tank, ceiling fan, faucet and plumbing went capoot all in one month. It was the world. It wasn't the church who has helped me everytime my car or lawn mower has broke down. It has been my friends from the world. It has been my friends from the world who have called me and said "come over Jackie! We WANT to hang out with you!" yep, we hang out in the bars. It is like that old tv show Cheers. When I walk in the door the whole bar yells "Jackson!" and they run and give me hugs. I am accepted there and loved. my friends love me no matter how messed up I am. I don't have to put on a show anymore. I can just be me. I probably could have won an Academy Award for the act I put on for 23 years in the church. Pretending our family was so perfect. Until it nearly killed me. And when it nearly killed me and I found my husband really didn't care, that is when I knew it was time. And so here I am a simple counrty girl. I don't talk theology with people. I don't know important facts in life. I am just me. yet I do believe I see so much more in life that those who think they are so far above me, those who look down their noses at me and judge me. Woe to them I say. I believe that if Jesus came down from heaven, he would would be spending his time with the hurting people. The ones who are so messed up. The meth addict who can't see past the next fix. The single mom who can barely make it through the day without the tears. The divorced. The young lady who made a mistake and got pregnant. The alchoholic that sits in the bar all day drinking his troubles away. The rebellious teenager. The ones who the church sits in judgement of. That is who Jesus wants to hold. I seriously doubt he would waste his time sitting with the church arguing theology and rules. Honestly, I think he would just tell them "Love your people". And so last night I found out that Ashley is not suppose to be in school at Providence. Apparently the rules have changed. Just for me? Wow, I am so blessed with love from the Chrisitans. It use to be that only one parent had to be involved in a church. I can give you lists of names that was the case for. But lucky me! Not only has the church turned their faces from me, now the school is. Since I am not involved in a church, they have to reconsider if Ashley can be there. I do not live my life according to their standards. For some reason my sins are worse than theirs. I wonder if Christians realize how often they reject people. And then the Christians wonder why people like me don't want to spend time with them. yep, I will take the friends from the world anyday! Because they love me unconditionally. I do not have to perform for them. I can just be me and they will help me heal. Because I have lived so many years of horror that none can imagine. And I have some healing to do. And the Christians here just aren't available. But my friends from the world are.

...."Though much is taken, much abides" Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Wow, what a week. Not only do we have a murder trial going on (Both sides are pretty wacked people) over 2 cows, but our office has been like walking on egg shells. I feel so bad for my co-worker, Anne. This week I have been the favored one while she has been treated horribly. Anne is such a tender hearted sweet person. And who knows, next week she might be the favored one and it will be my turn to take the heat.
My hot water heater broke down and we had a couple of days with freezing water while I debated calling an electrician. So I was at my computer googling "Hot water heater doesn't heat the water" and I layed my head down on the keyboard and said "Oh Lord, heal my hot water heater!" Then I went out to the breaker box and once again flipped the breaker. It worked this time!! Woo hoo! Thank ya Lord!
Last weekend I took Bethany and Ashley to Lagrande to get new hair do's. Ashley was driving on the way and I was in the passenger seat. So off we go up the Minam hill and there is a rock, a HUGE rock on our side of the road. So I say "Ashley, don't hit that rock." And there was silence on the other side of the car. And I know at that moment this was not going to be good. I looked over and she was concentrating so I knew she was going to try to straddle the rock rather than go around it. Silence.................Then crash, bounce crash, bounce, and she says "Do you think I hit it?"
I said "why yes, (trying to stay calm) Ashley, I think you did." and she says "What happens now?" And I reply (Still calm) "Well within 15 seconds that tire is going to go flat so prepare yourself to pull over" And it is silent again in the car as we wait...............and all we can hear is Ashley saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" in this little squeeky voice. Sure enough the noise of a flat comes loud and clear and we pull over, get the spare on (while Ashley is crying her eyes out) and head for LaGrande and good ole Les Schwab. All the way I am trying to reassure Ashley that this happens, it has happened to me, it is no big deal, etc. and I can't figure out why she keeps crying. So we get to Les Schwab and they put on a different tire (they had a used studded tire just my size!) and so as we wait I keep telling Ashley it is ok. What I didn't realize is that Bethany, who is the biggest tease and prankster in the world, had sort of told Ashley that a new tire would be over $1,000.00 while we were on the hill changing the tire to a spare!
Well the tire was free (gotta love those little cutie patooties at Les Scwab!) and I re-assured Ashley that it still would not have been over $1,000 even if I would have bought a new tire, and she felt better. And gave Bethany a look that would kill. Then the girls went off to get their new haircuts!
Well, then I got to worrying about my car. The rock made quite a clatter under there, in fact I originally thought the back tire went over the rock too. So two good friends took my car yesterday to a heated shop and put it up on the racks and checked it over really good to make sure there was no more damage under it. And it was fine! So woo hoo! I was so thankful for that! They also took it to Les Schwab and got air put in the other three tires. Checked my oil, said it was good for another thousand miles. So I am so thankful for good friends! These two guys are my dad's age and they are loving having a "daughter" to take care of.
So even with disasters, blessings have come along and everything is fine. Oh! but Jerry did tell me something interesting...so Wallowa County!
While he was at Les Schwab getting my tires filled with air there was a girl there that had just bought a used car from Milligan's. She was there to get winter tires put on. The boys from Les Schwab opened her trunk and there was a bomb inside it! So they call the police and they come down, the lady insists she needs her car, so the police take out the bomb and take it to the back of Les Schwab and call the bomb squad from Pendleton. Well, as it turns out, it was a practical joke. It was a cylinder looking part that was replaced and someone in the shop wrote on it "ACME Dynamite" as a joke. Good thing our police have a sense of humor.......................

AND YES, Eric does have a serious girlfriend.............................

Ashley's Band: Wake Up Jane

These are photos of Ashley band, Wake Up Jane. Ashley is the lead singer, Elliott plays that guitar looking thing, Leanna on drums, and Joella on keyboard......

Praying in a new Pastor

Justin and Davi........A pastor and his wife.....

Another Scripture Slam

The other night my brother became very sick. It was a very scary thing and I am still not sure what the whole story is. I only talked to my mom and her story was quite confusing. So I went on my Myspace and Facebook and asked for prayer. People from all over the USA were praying. I posted on my message boards. Total strangers prayed and are still praying according to their messages for continued healing. I love my brother and it was a difficult, sleepless night. I just had to wait for phone calls. But I still felt a peace when Tammy was driving him tp Tri-Cities that God was with them and that everything would be ok. God is so good, he is so faithful. So here are scriptures I am holding onto and reading these days....

Let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting Him...Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
~ Psalm 13:5, NLT

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
~ Hebrews 4:16, NLT

The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.
~ Psalm 103:13, NLT

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.
~ 1 Peter 5:7, NLT

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.
~ John 14:1, NLT

Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.
~ Jeremiah 33:3, NLT

I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayer.
~ Psalm 120:1, NLT

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
~ Proverbs 4:23, NLT

O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.
~ Psalm 62:8, NLT

"No, O people, the Lord has already told you what is good, and this is what He requires: to do what is right, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
~ Micah 6:8, NLT

"Whoever pursues godliness and unfailing love will find life, godliness and honor."
~ Proverbs 21:21, NLT

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.
~ Proverbs 13:12, NLT

Voice of Democracy contest

Ashley and her classmates at the Voice of Democracy contest. Anna took first place and Ashley took 2nd for the whole county!