The "Sound off" apology

Ok, well my last blog was a pretty good sound off. I had a frustrating three days and it seemed like so many people were coming down hard on me, including one dork threatening to commit suicide over me. I gave him a peice of my mind and he didn't die though.I am definately my mothers daughter. Telling someone off when they want to die. I get so tired of the games people play and the judging. And yet really there are so many wonderful people out there. They just didn't happen to show face during my bad time! So anyway, I apologize for being a little stinky! It will probably happen again though............................LOL

Divorce

Yesterday I went to the electric store to get help with a hot water heater. My hot water is ..well, there is none. So off I go to see the electrician to find out which part he wants me to order. I walk in and the person I need to see is not in. So the old fart (I can call him that because I have known him since I was a little girl and he truly is an old fart) that was in started to take my name down and phone number. He starts writing "jackie parker" then he stops and says "Oh, the divorced one." I was a little stunned, so I stumbled on my words "uh yes. I'm divorced.............." And i am thinking "but, well, I do have an identity. really, I do. I'm a person....I have feelings....sometimes a thought or two slips through not that anyone really cares to hear what those thoughts are. And...oh! I don't have leprosy! So that's good. .............." "Uhmm...ya. I'm the divorced one," I finished with a whisper.......... Not that he was paying any attention. he was scribbling on the paper complaining about the "god damn people around here". So I said a very quick goodbye and ran out the door. It's so weird to go through a divorce. So painful and people who have never experienced it stand in judgement as though THEY KNOW. The anger and emails I recieved during and after my divorce from Christians became pretty regular. Things have kind of settled down lately, so this incident kind of shell shocked me. People don't realize what it is like for me to go to church. Truly I would rather stay at home alone than go to a church and be so lonely. To me the church is the loneliest place on earth for someone like me. People think I don't go to church, but I have quite a few times. I have gone to the Crossing about 4 times since my divorce. I can assure you those people would not remember I graced their doors. I have been to John and Sandy's church and to the Baptist church a few times. And then there is the times I go to Wallowa for special things the kids are involved in. Sometimes it can be quite amusing. People run to me and even start crying...gushing about how they have been thinking about me and have missed me so much! I'm like "Gosh, I must have missed that phone call." Others in the church look at you like you have some disease. The women stay away from you because you are "the divorced one" and they seem to think you are so pathetic that you are desperate for a man so you must be out to get their man. What they don't realize is that you really want NO MAN at all. The men of course don't talk to you because well...you are the "divorced one". The greeting time is the worst time. Usually I stand there and very few come up and the ones who do say a quick "Hi how are you" and run the other direction. Wow, thought they wanted to know how I was. And the truth is, no one really wants to know how you are. Now, don't get me wrong, not everyone is like that. I can think of all of two ladies in the church at Wallowa who genuinly care about me. One of those ladies stops by my office and visits sometimes. She loves unconditionally. So really isn't that what it is all about? To love one another unconditionally. I watch the church, they have their little potlucks and close the door to the "sinners" out there. The very thought of stepping foot in a building with people who judge me makes my stomach nauseated. When I went through the divorce the church literally turned on me. It wasn't the church that was there for me, loving me. It was the world. It wasn't the church that was there helping me when everything in my house: heater, dishwasher, dryer, hot water tank, ceiling fan, faucet and plumbing went capoot all in one month. It was the world. It wasn't the church who has helped me everytime my car or lawn mower has broke down. It has been my friends from the world. It has been my friends from the world who have called me and said "come over Jackie! We WANT to hang out with you!" yep, we hang out in the bars. It is like that old tv show Cheers. When I walk in the door the whole bar yells "Jackson!" and they run and give me hugs. I am accepted there and loved. my friends love me no matter how messed up I am. I don't have to put on a show anymore. I can just be me. I probably could have won an Academy Award for the act I put on for 23 years in the church. Pretending our family was so perfect. Until it nearly killed me. And when it nearly killed me and I found my husband really didn't care, that is when I knew it was time. And so here I am a simple counrty girl. I don't talk theology with people. I don't know important facts in life. I am just me. yet I do believe I see so much more in life that those who think they are so far above me, those who look down their noses at me and judge me. Woe to them I say. I believe that if Jesus came down from heaven, he would would be spending his time with the hurting people. The ones who are so messed up. The meth addict who can't see past the next fix. The single mom who can barely make it through the day without the tears. The divorced. The young lady who made a mistake and got pregnant. The alchoholic that sits in the bar all day drinking his troubles away. The rebellious teenager. The ones who the church sits in judgement of. That is who Jesus wants to hold. I seriously doubt he would waste his time sitting with the church arguing theology and rules. Honestly, I think he would just tell them "Love your people". And so last night I found out that Ashley is not suppose to be in school at Providence. Apparently the rules have changed. Just for me? Wow, I am so blessed with love from the Chrisitans. It use to be that only one parent had to be involved in a church. I can give you lists of names that was the case for. But lucky me! Not only has the church turned their faces from me, now the school is. Since I am not involved in a church, they have to reconsider if Ashley can be there. I do not live my life according to their standards. For some reason my sins are worse than theirs. I wonder if Christians realize how often they reject people. And then the Christians wonder why people like me don't want to spend time with them. yep, I will take the friends from the world anyday! Because they love me unconditionally. I do not have to perform for them. I can just be me and they will help me heal. Because I have lived so many years of horror that none can imagine. And I have some healing to do. And the Christians here just aren't available. But my friends from the world are.