Beautiful

Today was a pretty relaxing day at work although I was a wee bit discouraged about something a friend told me last night. So I went to work with a heavy heart. Kind of sad throughout the day with little bits of more bad news. Had lunch with that friend and it was nice.
At about 4:00 pm 3 little girls arrived in my office and asked if they could plug in their cd player and play the music.......in the window. They asked me to open the window and put the cd player in the window and play the music loud so they could dance outside in the snow. So I did. The window was frozen shut so I borrowed a pair of gloves from one of the little girls and we proceeded to bang on the window until it became un-stuck. And the girls ran outside and danced and danced. And it was beautiful. And it brought such Christmas joy to my heart.

I have a tree!!!

A Most Perfect and Beautiful Two Days
Yesterday Justin got a licence to be a pastor. It was a beautiful ceremony. I am very proud of Justin! He still has much studying to do, but he will do it! Then he gave the sermon and told about his life and how God called him to be a pastor when he was 13. It was an awsome day!
He and Davi drove the night before 7.5 hours from Spokane to Enterprise after having been at Disneyland for a week. So they were tired. Davi has that "GLOW" that pregnant women get!! And she is starting to get a little pooch.......mind you...a very tiny pooch. But she is very proud of it nonetheless! My goodness, I am not even pregnant and I have a bigger pooch than she does! Wonder how she will feel about it in 7 months...........hope she likes it cause I want at least 18 grandchildren.Tonight I went to have tacos with Johnny T and a lady came up to me and said I look just like Julie Christie. Of course I have no idea who that is, so I googled photos and thought "So THAT"S what I would look like if I dropped 50 lbs. and put on a bikini!"Then I got home and what did I find but the most perfect beautiful Christmas tree on the porch! I thought I would not get to have a tree this year. But there it was and I have my ex-hubby to thank for it! I am so happy! I danced all over the house and texted all my friends to tell them I have a tree! Now...what do I do with it? I think I am suppose to add water. Where is the hose?
So what was turning into a sad and ba-hum bug (NO ONE tell Nick Bently this) holiday, has turned to a beautiful weekend of Christmas miracles and joy!

A Perfectly Beautiful Day

Today Justin got a licence to be a pastor. It was a beautiful ceremony. I am very proud of Justin! he still has much studying to do, but he will do it! then he gave the sermon and told about his life and how God called him to be a pastor when he was 13. It was an awsome day! He and Davi drove the night before 7.5 hours from Spokane to Enterprise after having been at Disneyland for a week. So they were tired. Davi has that "GLOW" that pregnant women get!! And she is starting to get a little pooch.......mind you...a very tiny pooch. But she is very proud of it nonetheless!

And the best part was that the girl trying to get my ex husband wasn't there so that made the day even better!!!

Pat offered to get me a Christmas tree. he is suppose to pick Ashley up in a few minutes so we will see if he got one or not! Otherwise...no Christmas tree in this house.

I have to do it once a year!

Drive through a total whiteout to go shopping! It seems to happen every year and I end up thinking, "What was I thinking?!". Of course when I start out I always think, "no problem". Oh well. Wallowa County has been covered in white for a few days. Although it is beautiful, it is much more beautiful looking at it from the inside of the house, wrapped in a cozy blanket, drinking a nice hot cup of cocoa, and reading a good book!
Well, this white-out wasn't so bad because I knew the road. I don't like the white-outs I have driven through coming home from Walla Walla or Lewiston. But Ashley and I survived and we are home and now her Christmas shopping is complete!
Today Ashley is going to get a Christmas tree with her dad. But that isn't the most exciting news of the day! Yes, the most exciting news is that I will be going to church here pretty quick to watch a special dedication for Justin. He has been studying to be a pastor and has gotten far enough along in his studies that he can now marry and bury and I don't know what all. So the church is giving him a certificate and who knows what all. I will write more later on what happens! Oh how wonderful to have three kids that love God with all their hearts!!

Thanksgiving

Wow...I didn't realize how difficult the holidays can be when you are single. I have spent so many years with a house full of hustle and bustle, constant activity and laughter. This year the kids went to Pat's for dinner and boy was my house quiet. I am so use to family being here from early in the morning to late into the evening. Most of the cooking is done the day before so that we can visit and play games all day. Not a dull moment. This year, instead, I was invited to a friends house for dinner. So until 3:00 I was alone in a very quiet house, and it was lonely. I had many tears. The reprieve I had was when Eric and Ashley and Reid stopped by for about 15 minutes and grabbed some sour cream. And Uncle Chuck called numerous times to keep my mind busy on other things......such as a trip to New Orleans, Missippi, Alabama...Cajun country. But it was really hard to sit all day alone on a holiday.
So at 3:00 I went to my friends home and had a really wonderful dinner. I didn't partake in the Lamb and Shrimp Cocktail....Kenny made me fruit Cocktail.....he he..........but everything was so good! Then after dinner we made gingerbread houses! Very difficult and mine didn't turn out too good. Johnny T...well his was "perfect" of course. That was hard, but fun. Another thing I have never done before. It was a good time with very important friends in my life. Kenny even made a gingerbread house! He also carved a perfect pumpkin at Halloween. He is breaking MY mold of himself. Sue of course is a replica of Martha Stewart so everything she touches turns out perfect. Little Miss Decorator. It was just a beautiful time with people I love very much.
So a day that started with sadness ended with happiness.

Sign of Age...those kids!

Well, I got a comment from Eric today on my MySpace with his Christmas list.....Money. Now aren't children suppose to get all excited about opening great Big packages with big bright bows??? No, Eric has a need for a laptop computer, and he wants money to save toward it. So there goes all my brilliant ideas for gifts. But really, doesn't this kind of take the fun out of beign the giver??? Well, maybe not. because actually, if he can get enough money saved up, I can see the excitement in his eyes when he maked the purchase. I might have to use my imagination to see it...since he probably will not be anywhwere near me...but it's a good thing us mom's remember everything....like the light in those eyes at Christmas time and the huge grin when they got something that was so awsome and cool! So...I guess it will be alright after all. Maybe I can still buy him a can of shaving cream or something..........

"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if you are asked about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."
~ 1 Peter 3:15, NLT

Well, after a week of being banked by fog every morning we finally have a beautiful sunny Sunday morning!

Today I am going to enjoy a nice cup of coffee then help a friend move. Should be fun! Or funny. Three of us women trying to move a couch from upstairs, an entertainment center...actually I can see us getting it stuck and rolling on the floor laughing. Something that would annoy a man if he saw it.

Thanksgiving week...........hmmmmmmm............no boss at work, vacation time. I think life will be good this week!

A New Treat!

The other day I was shopping online....I only shop online now...no crowds, they deliver it to your door..it is wonderful! And the few dollars I pay in shipping is the few I would have to pay to go somewhere where there are actually stores! So I am online shopping the JC Penny website and they have these dishes for sale...on closeout....at a super duper good price..and I like them! So I decide to order them. I browsed around the web to find a free shipping code for JC Penny and I ordered the dishes! theey are a deeper green than sage green, a nice color. My dad will hate them. He hates anything green.
I was so excited to get such a good deal...new dishes at a closeout price and free shipping! It kind of reminded me of my Ebay days, when I was buying everything...including the kitchen sink, off of Ebay. I would get so excited when I won the auction and got a good deal! I would run around the house yelling "I won! I won!" all excited. And then my husbandwould say "Jackie, you didn't actually WIN if you have to PAY for it." Obviously he just duidn't understand, so I ignored him.
So the dishes shipped out the next day and arrived at my house yesterday. I went home during lunch just to see the boxes (I had tracked them UPS). I knew I wouldn't have time to look at the dishes. My drive is 20 minutes each way. So just to see theboxes...that was all I needed.
It is so much fun to treat yourself to something special! Now, I am an extremely practical person. Someone offered to buy me an IPOD and I told them I appreciate it, but would rather have a new tire for my car. Now that would get me excited! And so to have new dishes....well you can't imagine my glory! I just LOVE useful things!! Buy me a hammer..I will love you forever!
Last night I went to the school to a meeting..all the while thinking about my still boxed dishes just waiting for me to come and lovingly unpack them and put them into their rightful spot of honor. I had to suffer through a vocabulary test..which was stupid anyway. I failed of course. but really, who uses those big words? just say what you mean. What do they expect from us rednecks anyways. Ashley would have been very disappointed in me. She wants to teach grammar. I didn't raise her good.
Anyway, after the meeting I enjoyed some "baby" time with the cutest baby in the world...little Stevie is a doll...and off I went to home! And I unpacked my dishes, very carefully...oohing and ahhhhing over each one. UNTIL I got to the last bowl....which was split. I don't mean cracked. It was split..there was a gap in the crack. So not a shipping problem, a manufacturing problem. You cannot imagine my dismay!
So I literally RAN to my computer and jumped on the JC Penny website! I emailed them asking if I could just replace the one bowl and not have to return the whole shipment. I am sad. They still have not responded to my email. I am sure someone over there does not understand the desperation I feel. The horror, the sadness. They are not good people.
So I wait...............

Blessings Abundant

Well, isn't November suppose to be a month to count our many blessings? This past week has had many wonderful blessings come my way! First of all, on Wednesday I went to lunch with Davi and Justin and was a little shocked when Justin leaned over to Davi and asked her if I "looked" like a grandma. yes, that is right, Davi took the test Tuesday night and I am going to be a grandma!! I am so excited!!
Then the weekend took Ashley and I to Lewiston where we met up with Eric and dragged him home with us. it is always a lot of fun to have Eric home...., and I was kinda sad when he left this morning.
Sunday we had an early birthday party for Ashley...who is today 17 years old! She is still a short little shrimp though.
Time...oh where did it go?.. My little girl is already 17, one of my sons is having a baby, and my other son is quickly finding his way in life, moving as God leads him. I refuse to get all mushy and sentimental. I am just going to go have a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce all over it. So there.

Scriptures for those tough times......

We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy ...
~ Colossians 1:11, NLT

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
~ Philippians 4:6, NLT

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
~ Matthew 6:30, NLT
Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.
~ Ephesians 3:17, NLT

... Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ... And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.
~ Romans 8:35, 38, NLT

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
~ Ezekiel 36:26, NLT

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!
~ Psalm 42:11, NLT

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT

Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.
~ Proverbs 4:25-27, NLT

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
~ Psalm 73:26, NLT

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
~ 2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead
~ Philippians 3:13, NLT

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
~ Galatians 5:13, NLT

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you…
~ Isaiah 43:2, NLT

Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
~ Philippians 4:6, NLT

For I hold you by your right hand— I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you'.
~ Isaiah 41:13, NLT

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Psalm 143:8, NLT


For God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat. In the same way, he will provide and increase your resources and then produce a great harvest of generosity in you. 2 Corinthians 9:10, NLT

…he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit. Titus 3:5, NLT

Today I really did it!

I put my house for sale. I think I am ok with it. I will just take it one step at a time. And trust that God will guide me.

I have decided..finally..with peace!

I have decided to put my house on the market next week. With much thanks to my brother and sister in law, who opened my eyes to things I wasn't seeing, I have peace about this. Isn't it odd how the enemy can put blinders on your eyes and you don't even know it. My logical thinking was that I couldn't afford this house, but my emotional thinking was that I was a loser if I got rid of it. yet I have no emotional attachment to the house, so it didn't make any sense.
So this week I have to work hard at the courthouse becuase we have to mail ballots on Friday, then a tournament on the weekend, then I will clean the house and put it on the market.
Odd, it almost feels cold hearted now!!

1. I've come to realize that my hair...
is better straightened than curly thanks to perverted janitors
.2. I've come to realize that my legs...
will never be long and slender...besides, did I shave my legs for this?
3. I've come to realize that the last person who did me wrong...
doesn't even realize it when he is lying. I can't change a person, only God can do that
4. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I like to GO FAST!
5. I've come to realize that all I need...
is Jesus. And his peace and love.
6. I've come to realize that I have lost...
many friends that weren't really friends, a marraige, and soon my home..but I'm getting better at accepting that!
7. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people lie or hurt the people I love
8. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk... ..
I;m really gonna be sorry the next day for anything I said or did
9. I've come to realize that money...
really can have a lot of power over your life if you allow it to. But if you trust in God, it is amazing what you can do without.
10. I've come to realize that certain people.....
are natural givers of grace and love while others like me have to really work at it!
11. I've come to realize that I'll always be...someone who giggles too much..it is so annoying. But hey, people really make me laugh!
13. I've come to realize that my mom...
probably loves me more than I know
14. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is too much of an annoying burden..it is like a chain around the neck
15. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
I had a spider crawling on my face during the night
16. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep..
I had an argument with a friend who lied to me
17. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
having to get up extra early tomorrow to get Ashley to her PSAT tests
18. I've come to realize that my dad... can snore loud enough to scare a freight train off it's tracks
19. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace...I look forward to messages and photos others send
20. I've come to realize that today ...was exhausting! last day to register for voting! Why do people wait until the last minute?
21. I've come to realize that tonight... two teenage girls can bring more laughter and life into this house to fill a lifetime!
22. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
Work at the courthouse then at the golf course and hopefully spend some time visiting with good friends
23. I've come to realize that I really want to...
learn to trust god more with my life though we don't always agree.
24. I've come to realize that the person I want to be...
kind and loving and full of grace and mercy
25. I've come to realize that life...
is full of obstacles, miracles, sadness, and fun. You never know what will come your way each day...what an adventure!
26. I've come to realize that my friends... ..
Never seem to live their lives the way I think they should, so (throwing my hands in the air) I give up! Not really, my friends are so precious. I love them and I am so thankful for them.

The Life of the aging Jackie

March 22, 2008

Ok, well, I do. I can't help myself. My days of carrying around little tiny bundles of miracles in my tummy are over. Although I am happy for my Jami, my days have gone from being a carry on bag for a sweet miracle from God are done. NOOOOOO.......instead, I have to endure the other "stuff". Woman stuff. Last week I had my very first mammogram. Yes, I braved the world of boob crunchers and doctors in white coats. Unbelievable considering what happened the last time I visited the hospital for tests. But I decided if I would just switch personalities (I decided to be Jane) perhaps I could get through it without fainting. And since I just knew the doctor who was feeling up my breasts would be someone I would never see again (ya right, this is Wallowa County...what was I thinking?) I thought maybe I could survive. And hey, I haven't had any jollies for quite awhile..ya know? So off I went to the hospital! Well, I sat nervously in the registration office while the lady was trying to figure out what a computer was and how to run one and in walks my dear cousin, Lisa. She says "Sorry you get me today! I'm the only one working!" MY COUSIN is going to be seeing my boobs?????? You can imagine my dismay. And since it was a girl...well there went the jollies. After she showed the woman how to turn on the computer she walked me down the long white hallway to this room that had a bed and a very weird contraption standing in the middle of the floor. I thought, how nice...a bed. I can just take a nap during this. Hmph...she didn't even let me sit on it. She did however explain in detail how to put on the "robe". I am assuming the ultrasound lady had told her horror stories about me and the "robe" from a few weeks ago. So I got it right on the first try! I was so proud of myself! So we talked a little about family and life and caught up on things, then she explained to me in detail (as though I am 2 yrs old) how she was going to set my breast here and there and then munch it until I scream "No more!" Ok, Jane is doing pretty good so far. No sick tummy, no dizzyness...yes, this is going to be easy. She stands me in front of the machine and it takes awhile to get something that you really don't have much of in the right position. Yes, the room is growing a wee bit warmer, but Jane is still talking. Yes, she is doing great! We change positions and have a few more pictures. Then we are almost finished. Just one more photo. And suddenly there appears another cousin. And for some reason they have turned on the Tilt A Wirl. The room is slowly starting to spin. And I feel so hot. Which is so silly because there is no blood-letting in this test. But both Lisa's are wearing white coats. And funny pants with strange things on them...like dinasours or something. What...does she think that is funny? So she is talking and she takes the picture..then looks at me and says "Oh no.....". She hurry's to my side in a heroic way and catches me before I fall. Yes, she is my hero. Mallon girls should have been Bond girls. She quickly rushes me to the bathroom across the hallway where I promptly lose the oatmeal I ate that morning. Whoever said oatmeal was good for you has never had a mammogram. Probably Mr. Quaker. Meanwhile Lisa went to the cafeteria and got me some ice water and then she kindly came back...miracle...or just stupid...and took me back to the our special room. And still didn't let me lay on the bed. She stuffed me in a chair and went to read the films. After about 5 minutes she came back in and said "I sure can tell when you started getting woozey. We need to take another photo." But by then I had ditched Jane and decided my other personality, Rhonda, might be more up for this kind of work. So hey, no problem. Rhonda pulled it off perfectly. She wasn't even embarrased or apologetic about Jane's escapades. All done and off to work I go. So this week I get a letter from the Radiologist. It says "Your recent mammography examination showed an abnormality that requires further follow up by your physician. The only way we can be sure this abnormality is benign is to speak to your health care provider and have follow up tests. You should do this as soon as possible." Oh brother. So I get home and there is a message on my machine because my doctor had gotten the tests and already made my next appointment...........at the hospital (gritting my teeth now) ....for another MAMMOGRAM!!!! Are you kidding me???!!! Ok, this time we are sending Rhonda in first.Great..another throw up party.

THEN last night I get home and there is a message from the Health Department. Guess what?It's time for my PAP!!!!!! I hate being a woman!!!!!!!

Feb 25th, 2008

This is a blog I posted on Myspace

So I have a doctors appointment, ya know??? Never mind, I have to go back to work now.
Ok, I am back. So I go to the doctor. I sit in the waiting room until 5:00 then they take me into the room where I sit until 5:30. Then the doctor comes in And thankfully my blood pressure is down from 174/115 to 122/88! Wa hoo! but my cholesterol needs some help. So she has all sorts of recommendations......because doctors are sadistic. Here is the evils she told me:
1. I need fiber. uh, yeah. You can imagine how happy that one made me. I love sitting on the toilet. She suggests I buy metamucil and drink it. I don't think so...so I say "Does that come in a pill?" Hurray! it does!
2. I need to eat lots of fish. Anyone who knows me knows the very thought of that makes my stomach heave. So I said...."Does that come in a pill?" Well...wouldn't ya know it? You can buy fish in a pill! it is called Omega something or rother. Who would have thought it.
Then...Evil of all Evils..she said the evil "E" word! Can you believe that? She said I need to (shiver) EXERCISE (gasp) three times a week.
I said "Does that come in a pill?"

Lazy Sunday

I had a busy mid morning, baked banana bread, a potato salad, homemade sandwich bread and homemade pizza. then prepared some chicken in a marinade I will bake tomorrow. Then went to bed at about one in the afternoon and slept until 5:30! Boy was I tired. Seems like every Sunday I do a bunch of cooking so Ashley will have things to take to school for her lunches.
Ashley brought home a very awsome friend from Teen Conference...Sarah Jefferies! Sarah use to live here and went to school with Ashley. Her father pastored the church in Wallowa until they moved. She will be here for the week. So these girls are spending a lot of time giggling and talking and giggling and wrestling and giggling. It is so much fun.
Last weekend my parents came by and helped drain the sprinkler system outside. I had a really good talk iwth my mom about the divorce and how things are now. How odd that for all these months she would barely talk to me and certainly not mention the divorce. So it was good to talk it out and feel that closeness to my mom. that isn't something I grew up with. My father shows his love by "doing things". helping me, like fixing my bedroom heater so this winter I will have some heat in there and won't shiver all night, thereby having no sleep at all. It was a tough winter last. Even now, we keep the heat off in the house except when we will be using a room. And layer lots of clothes! the other night I shivered in bed until I finally fell asleep in exhaustion at 3:00 a.m.! So I have this rule..no heat on until we get home from work and school, then only to take the bite off the air. So Ashely is being very good about it..and guess who is the wimp and always gives in to turn the heat on! Oh my poor electric bill! Sorry kids, Santa won't be delivering this year!
A friend of mine who is elderly...ok, in his 60's.........has been watching too much vitamin tv. So he is always telling me about this vitamin is good for this...that one is good for this....ect. So I went to Lewiston yesterday and when I came home, there was two bottles of Omega three fish oil caps, some BAM bathroom drain cleaner, and some grapes he had picked off his mother's vines in Hood River all sitting on the kitchen counter. So next time I see him I will get a lecture on all the things that fish pill can do for me. he will make sure my drain is no longer plugged, and he will tell me many stories of his father and the vines and I am just so glad for friends who watch out for you. And family that prays for you and encourages you. I am just plumb glad today..in a Pollyanna sort of way! I love that movie!

Decisions

There has been a lot of pressure as of late, decissions to be made. The main one being the house and what to do. I know that after two years I wont' be able to make the house payments. So what do I do? The housing market here in the county is terrible and we are recording in my office many foreclosures. And if I sell the house, the money I pay for rent is equal to what my house payment is. uncle Chuck wants me to sell and move away from this county. Uncle Chuck raised his kids in 24 different countries as they were growing up, so moving at the drop of a hat is nothing to him. he doesn't understand that good ole Wallowa County family we have here. It doesn't matter if you don't know the person passing you on the street, he is your family. The nastiest gossip will be by your side with a casserole and hugs during the hard times. It is hard to explain, I guess you would just call it "small town life". I can't imagine moving to a place where I don't know anyone and actually flourishing. I think I would be a sinking ship.
But he is right when he says "young lady (he is in his 80's), you can't afford that house right now, let alone for 30 years!"
So options....I already have one part time job outside of my full time job. Anne says PRAY that God will help you keep the house some way. She says I would fail miserably in moving and that Uncle Chuck is wrong. Kate says "sell immediately, put $50,00 into a small house in Enterprise" Jerry says Sell and move! Sue says "don't leave me!'
And where would I go? The thing is I don't have any idea where i would go and I dont' think the house will sell in this market. And that makes me feel that no matter which direction I go, I will probably fail. But as Marty says "Jackson, even if you lose it all, you can still start fresh and you will be ok."

Sept. 29, 2008

A year later. So much has happened. So many emotions that rage within, battling back and forth like waves of the ocean during a storm. Sometimes I am anrgy, other times an overwhelming sadness grips my heart and I fear I will die from the pain of it. The emotions change almost within minutes of each other. One thing I can't seem to find is a steady peace. fear is huge. The unknown is like an empty black tunnel. i cannot see the end of it, yet it beckons, calling me forth. Each day I try to take steps forward only to be slammed back agian. Sometiems it seems as though I am having to start over and any progress has vanished. The biggest obstacle seems to be the battle with self esteem. Trying to accept myself for the person I am. Yet that is hard because daily I am changing--in some ways stronger, in other ways weaker. I do not know who I am.
And I fear being alone. Yet I know that I am such a mess that any relationship I could possibly have (not that any man would actually want me) would end in a huge train wreck. there is little doubt of the shame in being me. yet still when I am weeping, screaming with anguish....there is hope. A small light breaks through. When I feel so alone and too tired to go on, I see my beautiful daughter and the joy she brings to my life. She is amazing. When hope feels lost, my friends seem to appear from nowhere and love me for who I am. I do not have to be pretty or skinny or some cover girl. I can just be me, no matter how ugly or broken that may be.
I have made so many mistakes over this past year. I feel like I was so innocent and now that is nearly shattered. I no longer see a beautiful world. I see a world in which there are so many tears, so much pain. And by stepping out into the world, comign out of my hiding place. sometimes I step into situations I do no know how to handle. I get used. I get hurt. And then I hide again. Yet everytime I hide, it seems a friend is there again, reaching out a hand saying, "Come on..try again. I will walk with you." And they make me laugh again. And the sun shines.

Beautiful Autumn

There is a nip in the air today, not to mention the snow that has been falling periodically. The leaves fall, the snow falls, the sun shines...the perfect autumn day. There is no place like Wallowa County during the autumn season. As I drive down the highway the trees surround me with lovely colors of orange and yellow and I feel such peace. Even the air smells of autumn, and of course there is the familiar scene of deer hunters and their campers filling our local grocery store parking lot. Except something IS different with that scene, it has changed a bit, because the hunters now have GPS devices in their trucks and dish network on their campers! And they are buying expensive bottles of wine! My goodness, luxury deer camp! Do you suppose they give each other manicures???
Everyone seems happy during the Autumn Season..except my boss at the golf course. When I texted her that is was snowing, she sent me back a bad word..followed by "xo" of course. I sent my "It's snowing! Yahoo!" text to everyone I knew hated winter....all these transplants that are so woosie. I thought I would start their day off on a good note...........
Ashley loves has left for a youth conference and will be returning Saturday night. With a friend. I will have two giggling girls for a week. So for now I will enjoy my peace and quiet. next week I shall strive to suffer in noble silence as the girls catch up on EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING will be so funny to them. Giggly teenage girls........actually they are really fun to be around. Laughter can be catching, and soon I am laughing at them laughing.
I think I will go buy a pumpkin.................

2003 Beginning a journal

God is a good god. He is always faithful and just. He always does everything just right and in the right way. Maybe there is a blessing for me and suffering for another. Maybe life is hard, and we wonder, "Where is God? How could he let this happen? Why does it happen again? When will there be an answer to my need?" God will always be with us in darkness and in suffering. So long as we let him in our hearts and recieve his comfort. For receive it we must. Like a gift. He holds it out to you but you must take it.
I sit here and think....my life has been hard. I think a lot about the days before, and sometimes a glimmer comes..a tiny ray, like the sun, just rising on a summer day. I think of peter the Apostle who stumbled just like me. Once he turned to the Lord and asked about his end. the Lord told him because peter..he is the Lord's friend. A simple man with many faults. but he is still a friend. So Peter points to another man and asks whathis end will be. The Lord said to Peter "If this is what I will, what is that to you?" The Lord was saying "Think you of your own faith. Think you of your own salvation. Think of God's purpose for you." So careful we must be. Always careful when we think of the victories and defeats of life. Careful to hold room for the mystery of God. The power of our lord to turn defeat and pain and suffering into good. he is good for each of us. When we face failure in our life, hold we must to God. When we weep. it is on God's shoulder we must cry. When we suffer, it is with him beside us. because then he will heal us and make us whole again. And when life pushes and tugs and tries to pull us away from God, this we must remember: The symbol of our King is THE CROSS. the Father lost his Son. losty to separate us from our sins, the whole world's sins. Lost to death, he was. Tragic painful death. The Lord God, our father, knows. He knows. What has happened in the past has no bearing on the promises of the future. he has said He will be with me. That is a promise. He never breaks his promises. If I allowed my faith to be moved this way and that by the circumstances of life, then I was standing too far from God. If I was thinking that having good things and a good life meant being blessed by God, and that bad things merant abandonment by God, then I did not have real faith.
(I can't remember where I got this from...a book or a card??)

Good Morning

Just learning how to blog, share my thoughts with myself and my other personalities....as in friends.