The Life of the aging Jackie

March 22, 2008

Ok, well, I do. I can't help myself. My days of carrying around little tiny bundles of miracles in my tummy are over. Although I am happy for my Jami, my days have gone from being a carry on bag for a sweet miracle from God are done. NOOOOOO.......instead, I have to endure the other "stuff". Woman stuff. Last week I had my very first mammogram. Yes, I braved the world of boob crunchers and doctors in white coats. Unbelievable considering what happened the last time I visited the hospital for tests. But I decided if I would just switch personalities (I decided to be Jane) perhaps I could get through it without fainting. And since I just knew the doctor who was feeling up my breasts would be someone I would never see again (ya right, this is Wallowa County...what was I thinking?) I thought maybe I could survive. And hey, I haven't had any jollies for quite awhile..ya know? So off I went to the hospital! Well, I sat nervously in the registration office while the lady was trying to figure out what a computer was and how to run one and in walks my dear cousin, Lisa. She says "Sorry you get me today! I'm the only one working!" MY COUSIN is going to be seeing my boobs?????? You can imagine my dismay. And since it was a girl...well there went the jollies. After she showed the woman how to turn on the computer she walked me down the long white hallway to this room that had a bed and a very weird contraption standing in the middle of the floor. I thought, how nice...a bed. I can just take a nap during this. Hmph...she didn't even let me sit on it. She did however explain in detail how to put on the "robe". I am assuming the ultrasound lady had told her horror stories about me and the "robe" from a few weeks ago. So I got it right on the first try! I was so proud of myself! So we talked a little about family and life and caught up on things, then she explained to me in detail (as though I am 2 yrs old) how she was going to set my breast here and there and then munch it until I scream "No more!" Ok, Jane is doing pretty good so far. No sick tummy, no dizzyness...yes, this is going to be easy. She stands me in front of the machine and it takes awhile to get something that you really don't have much of in the right position. Yes, the room is growing a wee bit warmer, but Jane is still talking. Yes, she is doing great! We change positions and have a few more pictures. Then we are almost finished. Just one more photo. And suddenly there appears another cousin. And for some reason they have turned on the Tilt A Wirl. The room is slowly starting to spin. And I feel so hot. Which is so silly because there is no blood-letting in this test. But both Lisa's are wearing white coats. And funny pants with strange things on them...like dinasours or something. What...does she think that is funny? So she is talking and she takes the picture..then looks at me and says "Oh no.....". She hurry's to my side in a heroic way and catches me before I fall. Yes, she is my hero. Mallon girls should have been Bond girls. She quickly rushes me to the bathroom across the hallway where I promptly lose the oatmeal I ate that morning. Whoever said oatmeal was good for you has never had a mammogram. Probably Mr. Quaker. Meanwhile Lisa went to the cafeteria and got me some ice water and then she kindly came back...miracle...or just stupid...and took me back to the our special room. And still didn't let me lay on the bed. She stuffed me in a chair and went to read the films. After about 5 minutes she came back in and said "I sure can tell when you started getting woozey. We need to take another photo." But by then I had ditched Jane and decided my other personality, Rhonda, might be more up for this kind of work. So hey, no problem. Rhonda pulled it off perfectly. She wasn't even embarrased or apologetic about Jane's escapades. All done and off to work I go. So this week I get a letter from the Radiologist. It says "Your recent mammography examination showed an abnormality that requires further follow up by your physician. The only way we can be sure this abnormality is benign is to speak to your health care provider and have follow up tests. You should do this as soon as possible." Oh brother. So I get home and there is a message on my machine because my doctor had gotten the tests and already made my next appointment...........at the hospital (gritting my teeth now) ....for another MAMMOGRAM!!!! Are you kidding me???!!! Ok, this time we are sending Rhonda in first.Great..another throw up party.

THEN last night I get home and there is a message from the Health Department. Guess what?It's time for my PAP!!!!!! I hate being a woman!!!!!!!