A year later. So much has happened. So many emotions that rage within, battling back and forth like waves of the ocean during a storm. Sometimes I am anrgy, other times an overwhelming sadness grips my heart and I fear I will die from the pain of it. The emotions change almost within minutes of each other. One thing I can't seem to find is a steady peace. fear is huge. The unknown is like an empty black tunnel. i cannot see the end of it, yet it beckons, calling me forth. Each day I try to take steps forward only to be slammed back agian. Sometiems it seems as though I am having to start over and any progress has vanished. The biggest obstacle seems to be the battle with self esteem. Trying to accept myself for the person I am. Yet that is hard because daily I am changing--in some ways stronger, in other ways weaker. I do not know who I am.
And I fear being alone. Yet I know that I am such a mess that any relationship I could possibly have (not that any man would actually want me) would end in a huge train wreck. there is little doubt of the shame in being me. yet still when I am weeping, screaming with anguish....there is hope. A small light breaks through. When I feel so alone and too tired to go on, I see my beautiful daughter and the joy she brings to my life. She is amazing. When hope feels lost, my friends seem to appear from nowhere and love me for who I am. I do not have to be pretty or skinny or some cover girl. I can just be me, no matter how ugly or broken that may be.
I have made so many mistakes over this past year. I feel like I was so innocent and now that is nearly shattered. I no longer see a beautiful world. I see a world in which there are so many tears, so much pain. And by stepping out into the world, comign out of my hiding place. sometimes I step into situations I do no know how to handle. I get used. I get hurt. And then I hide again. Yet everytime I hide, it seems a friend is there again, reaching out a hand saying, "Come on..try again. I will walk with you." And they make me laugh again. And the sun shines.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Oh my sweet sister in Christ...You are such a beautiful, beautiful girl on the inside and outside. I am so sorry for all the pain, hurt, fear and confusion you are feeling right now...Please know I am always here anytime you need to talk, share, unload, or someone just to be there. You don't have to go through all these feelings alone..and you are NOT alone..Our Amazing God is holding you close, He is walking with you daily, and on those days when you feel you can't go forward...He's carrying you onward. I know your life is in the midst of a storm...but, Please know that a beautiful rainbow is on it's way...One you'd never see or appreciate without this storm. You are so special to us....Hey, why don't you just come spend a weekend with us sometime....there's nothing like a girl's weekend to warm the soul!
And...you will be LOVED again by someone God is preparing just for you...you are not broken...just experiencing different parts of life. You are doing just the right thing...finding YOU...and learning to love YOU! Okay, enough sisterly words....May tomorrow bring laughter, joy, peace & many, many Sweet blessings! We LOVE YOU!
Post a Comment