March 22, 2008
Ok, well, I do. I can't help myself. My days of carrying around little tiny bundles of miracles in my tummy are over. Although I am happy for my Jami, my days have gone from being a carry on bag for a sweet miracle from God are done. NOOOOOO.......instead, I have to endure the other "stuff". Woman stuff. Last week I had my very first mammogram. Yes, I braved the world of boob crunchers and doctors in white coats. Unbelievable considering what happened the last time I visited the hospital for tests. But I decided if I would just switch personalities (I decided to be Jane) perhaps I could get through it without fainting. And since I just knew the doctor who was feeling up my breasts would be someone I would never see again (ya right, this is Wallowa County...what was I thinking?) I thought maybe I could survive. And hey, I haven't had any jollies for quite awhile..ya know? So off I went to the hospital! Well, I sat nervously in the registration office while the lady was trying to figure out what a computer was and how to run one and in walks my dear cousin, Lisa. She says "Sorry you get me today! I'm the only one working!" MY COUSIN is going to be seeing my boobs?????? You can imagine my dismay. And since it was a girl...well there went the jollies. After she showed the woman how to turn on the computer she walked me down the long white hallway to this room that had a bed and a very weird contraption standing in the middle of the floor. I thought, how nice...a bed. I can just take a nap during this. Hmph...she didn't even let me sit on it. She did however explain in detail how to put on the "robe". I am assuming the ultrasound lady had told her horror stories about me and the "robe" from a few weeks ago. So I got it right on the first try! I was so proud of myself! So we talked a little about family and life and caught up on things, then she explained to me in detail (as though I am 2 yrs old) how she was going to set my breast here and there and then munch it until I scream "No more!" Ok, Jane is doing pretty good so far. No sick tummy, no dizzyness...yes, this is going to be easy. She stands me in front of the machine and it takes awhile to get something that you really don't have much of in the right position. Yes, the room is growing a wee bit warmer, but Jane is still talking. Yes, she is doing great! We change positions and have a few more pictures. Then we are almost finished. Just one more photo. And suddenly there appears another cousin. And for some reason they have turned on the Tilt A Wirl. The room is slowly starting to spin. And I feel so hot. Which is so silly because there is no blood-letting in this test. But both Lisa's are wearing white coats. And funny pants with strange things on them...like dinasours or something. What...does she think that is funny? So she is talking and she takes the picture..then looks at me and says "Oh no.....". She hurry's to my side in a heroic way and catches me before I fall. Yes, she is my hero. Mallon girls should have been Bond girls. She quickly rushes me to the bathroom across the hallway where I promptly lose the oatmeal I ate that morning. Whoever said oatmeal was good for you has never had a mammogram. Probably Mr. Quaker. Meanwhile Lisa went to the cafeteria and got me some ice water and then she kindly came back...miracle...or just stupid...and took me back to the our special room. And still didn't let me lay on the bed. She stuffed me in a chair and went to read the films. After about 5 minutes she came back in and said "I sure can tell when you started getting woozey. We need to take another photo." But by then I had ditched Jane and decided my other personality, Rhonda, might be more up for this kind of work. So hey, no problem. Rhonda pulled it off perfectly. She wasn't even embarrased or apologetic about Jane's escapades. All done and off to work I go. So this week I get a letter from the Radiologist. It says "Your recent mammography examination showed an abnormality that requires further follow up by your physician. The only way we can be sure this abnormality is benign is to speak to your health care provider and have follow up tests. You should do this as soon as possible." Oh brother. So I get home and there is a message on my machine because my doctor had gotten the tests and already made my next appointment...........at the hospital (gritting my teeth now) ....for another MAMMOGRAM!!!! Are you kidding me???!!! Ok, this time we are sending Rhonda in first.Great..another throw up party.
THEN last night I get home and there is a message from the Health Department. Guess what?It's time for my PAP!!!!!! I hate being a woman!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Feb 25th, 2008
This is a blog I posted on Myspace
So I have a doctors appointment, ya know??? Never mind, I have to go back to work now.
Ok, I am back. So I go to the doctor. I sit in the waiting room until 5:00 then they take me into the room where I sit until 5:30. Then the doctor comes in And thankfully my blood pressure is down from 174/115 to 122/88! Wa hoo! but my cholesterol needs some help. So she has all sorts of recommendations......because doctors are sadistic. Here is the evils she told me:
1. I need fiber. uh, yeah. You can imagine how happy that one made me. I love sitting on the toilet. She suggests I buy metamucil and drink it. I don't think so...so I say "Does that come in a pill?" Hurray! it does!
2. I need to eat lots of fish. Anyone who knows me knows the very thought of that makes my stomach heave. So I said...."Does that come in a pill?" Well...wouldn't ya know it? You can buy fish in a pill! it is called Omega something or rother. Who would have thought it.
Then...Evil of all Evils..she said the evil "E" word! Can you believe that? She said I need to (shiver) EXERCISE (gasp) three times a week.
I said "Does that come in a pill?"
So I have a doctors appointment, ya know??? Never mind, I have to go back to work now.
Ok, I am back. So I go to the doctor. I sit in the waiting room until 5:00 then they take me into the room where I sit until 5:30. Then the doctor comes in And thankfully my blood pressure is down from 174/115 to 122/88! Wa hoo! but my cholesterol needs some help. So she has all sorts of recommendations......because doctors are sadistic. Here is the evils she told me:
1. I need fiber. uh, yeah. You can imagine how happy that one made me. I love sitting on the toilet. She suggests I buy metamucil and drink it. I don't think so...so I say "Does that come in a pill?" Hurray! it does!
2. I need to eat lots of fish. Anyone who knows me knows the very thought of that makes my stomach heave. So I said...."Does that come in a pill?" Well...wouldn't ya know it? You can buy fish in a pill! it is called Omega something or rother. Who would have thought it.
Then...Evil of all Evils..she said the evil "E" word! Can you believe that? She said I need to (shiver) EXERCISE (gasp) three times a week.
I said "Does that come in a pill?"
Lazy Sunday
I had a busy mid morning, baked banana bread, a potato salad, homemade sandwich bread and homemade pizza. then prepared some chicken in a marinade I will bake tomorrow. Then went to bed at about one in the afternoon and slept until 5:30! Boy was I tired. Seems like every Sunday I do a bunch of cooking so Ashley will have things to take to school for her lunches.
Ashley brought home a very awsome friend from Teen Conference...Sarah Jefferies! Sarah use to live here and went to school with Ashley. Her father pastored the church in Wallowa until they moved. She will be here for the week. So these girls are spending a lot of time giggling and talking and giggling and wrestling and giggling. It is so much fun.
Last weekend my parents came by and helped drain the sprinkler system outside. I had a really good talk iwth my mom about the divorce and how things are now. How odd that for all these months she would barely talk to me and certainly not mention the divorce. So it was good to talk it out and feel that closeness to my mom. that isn't something I grew up with. My father shows his love by "doing things". helping me, like fixing my bedroom heater so this winter I will have some heat in there and won't shiver all night, thereby having no sleep at all. It was a tough winter last. Even now, we keep the heat off in the house except when we will be using a room. And layer lots of clothes! the other night I shivered in bed until I finally fell asleep in exhaustion at 3:00 a.m.! So I have this rule..no heat on until we get home from work and school, then only to take the bite off the air. So Ashely is being very good about it..and guess who is the wimp and always gives in to turn the heat on! Oh my poor electric bill! Sorry kids, Santa won't be delivering this year!
A friend of mine who is elderly...ok, in his 60's.........has been watching too much vitamin tv. So he is always telling me about this vitamin is good for this...that one is good for this....ect. So I went to Lewiston yesterday and when I came home, there was two bottles of Omega three fish oil caps, some BAM bathroom drain cleaner, and some grapes he had picked off his mother's vines in Hood River all sitting on the kitchen counter. So next time I see him I will get a lecture on all the things that fish pill can do for me. he will make sure my drain is no longer plugged, and he will tell me many stories of his father and the vines and I am just so glad for friends who watch out for you. And family that prays for you and encourages you. I am just plumb glad today..in a Pollyanna sort of way! I love that movie!
Ashley brought home a very awsome friend from Teen Conference...Sarah Jefferies! Sarah use to live here and went to school with Ashley. Her father pastored the church in Wallowa until they moved. She will be here for the week. So these girls are spending a lot of time giggling and talking and giggling and wrestling and giggling. It is so much fun.
Last weekend my parents came by and helped drain the sprinkler system outside. I had a really good talk iwth my mom about the divorce and how things are now. How odd that for all these months she would barely talk to me and certainly not mention the divorce. So it was good to talk it out and feel that closeness to my mom. that isn't something I grew up with. My father shows his love by "doing things". helping me, like fixing my bedroom heater so this winter I will have some heat in there and won't shiver all night, thereby having no sleep at all. It was a tough winter last. Even now, we keep the heat off in the house except when we will be using a room. And layer lots of clothes! the other night I shivered in bed until I finally fell asleep in exhaustion at 3:00 a.m.! So I have this rule..no heat on until we get home from work and school, then only to take the bite off the air. So Ashely is being very good about it..and guess who is the wimp and always gives in to turn the heat on! Oh my poor electric bill! Sorry kids, Santa won't be delivering this year!
A friend of mine who is elderly...ok, in his 60's.........has been watching too much vitamin tv. So he is always telling me about this vitamin is good for this...that one is good for this....ect. So I went to Lewiston yesterday and when I came home, there was two bottles of Omega three fish oil caps, some BAM bathroom drain cleaner, and some grapes he had picked off his mother's vines in Hood River all sitting on the kitchen counter. So next time I see him I will get a lecture on all the things that fish pill can do for me. he will make sure my drain is no longer plugged, and he will tell me many stories of his father and the vines and I am just so glad for friends who watch out for you. And family that prays for you and encourages you. I am just plumb glad today..in a Pollyanna sort of way! I love that movie!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Decisions
There has been a lot of pressure as of late, decissions to be made. The main one being the house and what to do. I know that after two years I wont' be able to make the house payments. So what do I do? The housing market here in the county is terrible and we are recording in my office many foreclosures. And if I sell the house, the money I pay for rent is equal to what my house payment is. uncle Chuck wants me to sell and move away from this county. Uncle Chuck raised his kids in 24 different countries as they were growing up, so moving at the drop of a hat is nothing to him. he doesn't understand that good ole Wallowa County family we have here. It doesn't matter if you don't know the person passing you on the street, he is your family. The nastiest gossip will be by your side with a casserole and hugs during the hard times. It is hard to explain, I guess you would just call it "small town life". I can't imagine moving to a place where I don't know anyone and actually flourishing. I think I would be a sinking ship.
But he is right when he says "young lady (he is in his 80's), you can't afford that house right now, let alone for 30 years!"
So options....I already have one part time job outside of my full time job. Anne says PRAY that God will help you keep the house some way. She says I would fail miserably in moving and that Uncle Chuck is wrong. Kate says "sell immediately, put $50,00 into a small house in Enterprise" Jerry says Sell and move! Sue says "don't leave me!'
And where would I go? The thing is I don't have any idea where i would go and I dont' think the house will sell in this market. And that makes me feel that no matter which direction I go, I will probably fail. But as Marty says "Jackson, even if you lose it all, you can still start fresh and you will be ok."
But he is right when he says "young lady (he is in his 80's), you can't afford that house right now, let alone for 30 years!"
So options....I already have one part time job outside of my full time job. Anne says PRAY that God will help you keep the house some way. She says I would fail miserably in moving and that Uncle Chuck is wrong. Kate says "sell immediately, put $50,00 into a small house in Enterprise" Jerry says Sell and move! Sue says "don't leave me!'
And where would I go? The thing is I don't have any idea where i would go and I dont' think the house will sell in this market. And that makes me feel that no matter which direction I go, I will probably fail. But as Marty says "Jackson, even if you lose it all, you can still start fresh and you will be ok."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sept. 29, 2008
A year later. So much has happened. So many emotions that rage within, battling back and forth like waves of the ocean during a storm. Sometimes I am anrgy, other times an overwhelming sadness grips my heart and I fear I will die from the pain of it. The emotions change almost within minutes of each other. One thing I can't seem to find is a steady peace. fear is huge. The unknown is like an empty black tunnel. i cannot see the end of it, yet it beckons, calling me forth. Each day I try to take steps forward only to be slammed back agian. Sometiems it seems as though I am having to start over and any progress has vanished. The biggest obstacle seems to be the battle with self esteem. Trying to accept myself for the person I am. Yet that is hard because daily I am changing--in some ways stronger, in other ways weaker. I do not know who I am.
And I fear being alone. Yet I know that I am such a mess that any relationship I could possibly have (not that any man would actually want me) would end in a huge train wreck. there is little doubt of the shame in being me. yet still when I am weeping, screaming with anguish....there is hope. A small light breaks through. When I feel so alone and too tired to go on, I see my beautiful daughter and the joy she brings to my life. She is amazing. When hope feels lost, my friends seem to appear from nowhere and love me for who I am. I do not have to be pretty or skinny or some cover girl. I can just be me, no matter how ugly or broken that may be.
I have made so many mistakes over this past year. I feel like I was so innocent and now that is nearly shattered. I no longer see a beautiful world. I see a world in which there are so many tears, so much pain. And by stepping out into the world, comign out of my hiding place. sometimes I step into situations I do no know how to handle. I get used. I get hurt. And then I hide again. Yet everytime I hide, it seems a friend is there again, reaching out a hand saying, "Come on..try again. I will walk with you." And they make me laugh again. And the sun shines.
And I fear being alone. Yet I know that I am such a mess that any relationship I could possibly have (not that any man would actually want me) would end in a huge train wreck. there is little doubt of the shame in being me. yet still when I am weeping, screaming with anguish....there is hope. A small light breaks through. When I feel so alone and too tired to go on, I see my beautiful daughter and the joy she brings to my life. She is amazing. When hope feels lost, my friends seem to appear from nowhere and love me for who I am. I do not have to be pretty or skinny or some cover girl. I can just be me, no matter how ugly or broken that may be.
I have made so many mistakes over this past year. I feel like I was so innocent and now that is nearly shattered. I no longer see a beautiful world. I see a world in which there are so many tears, so much pain. And by stepping out into the world, comign out of my hiding place. sometimes I step into situations I do no know how to handle. I get used. I get hurt. And then I hide again. Yet everytime I hide, it seems a friend is there again, reaching out a hand saying, "Come on..try again. I will walk with you." And they make me laugh again. And the sun shines.
Beautiful Autumn
There is a nip in the air today, not to mention the snow that has been falling periodically. The leaves fall, the snow falls, the sun shines...the perfect autumn day. There is no place like Wallowa County during the autumn season. As I drive down the highway the trees surround me with lovely colors of orange and yellow and I feel such peace. Even the air smells of autumn, and of course there is the familiar scene of deer hunters and their campers filling our local grocery store parking lot. Except something IS different with that scene, it has changed a bit, because the hunters now have GPS devices in their trucks and dish network on their campers! And they are buying expensive bottles of wine! My goodness, luxury deer camp! Do you suppose they give each other manicures???
Everyone seems happy during the Autumn Season..except my boss at the golf course. When I texted her that is was snowing, she sent me back a bad word..followed by "xo" of course. I sent my "It's snowing! Yahoo!" text to everyone I knew hated winter....all these transplants that are so woosie. I thought I would start their day off on a good note...........
Ashley loves has left for a youth conference and will be returning Saturday night. With a friend. I will have two giggling girls for a week. So for now I will enjoy my peace and quiet. next week I shall strive to suffer in noble silence as the girls catch up on EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING will be so funny to them. Giggly teenage girls........actually they are really fun to be around. Laughter can be catching, and soon I am laughing at them laughing.
I think I will go buy a pumpkin.................
Everyone seems happy during the Autumn Season..except my boss at the golf course. When I texted her that is was snowing, she sent me back a bad word..followed by "xo" of course. I sent my "It's snowing! Yahoo!" text to everyone I knew hated winter....all these transplants that are so woosie. I thought I would start their day off on a good note...........
Ashley loves has left for a youth conference and will be returning Saturday night. With a friend. I will have two giggling girls for a week. So for now I will enjoy my peace and quiet. next week I shall strive to suffer in noble silence as the girls catch up on EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING will be so funny to them. Giggly teenage girls........actually they are really fun to be around. Laughter can be catching, and soon I am laughing at them laughing.
I think I will go buy a pumpkin.................
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
2003 Beginning a journal
God is a good god. He is always faithful and just. He always does everything just right and in the right way. Maybe there is a blessing for me and suffering for another. Maybe life is hard, and we wonder, "Where is God? How could he let this happen? Why does it happen again? When will there be an answer to my need?" God will always be with us in darkness and in suffering. So long as we let him in our hearts and recieve his comfort. For receive it we must. Like a gift. He holds it out to you but you must take it.
I sit here and think....my life has been hard. I think a lot about the days before, and sometimes a glimmer comes..a tiny ray, like the sun, just rising on a summer day. I think of peter the Apostle who stumbled just like me. Once he turned to the Lord and asked about his end. the Lord told him because peter..he is the Lord's friend. A simple man with many faults. but he is still a friend. So Peter points to another man and asks whathis end will be. The Lord said to Peter "If this is what I will, what is that to you?" The Lord was saying "Think you of your own faith. Think you of your own salvation. Think of God's purpose for you." So careful we must be. Always careful when we think of the victories and defeats of life. Careful to hold room for the mystery of God. The power of our lord to turn defeat and pain and suffering into good. he is good for each of us. When we face failure in our life, hold we must to God. When we weep. it is on God's shoulder we must cry. When we suffer, it is with him beside us. because then he will heal us and make us whole again. And when life pushes and tugs and tries to pull us away from God, this we must remember: The symbol of our King is THE CROSS. the Father lost his Son. losty to separate us from our sins, the whole world's sins. Lost to death, he was. Tragic painful death. The Lord God, our father, knows. He knows. What has happened in the past has no bearing on the promises of the future. he has said He will be with me. That is a promise. He never breaks his promises. If I allowed my faith to be moved this way and that by the circumstances of life, then I was standing too far from God. If I was thinking that having good things and a good life meant being blessed by God, and that bad things merant abandonment by God, then I did not have real faith.
(I can't remember where I got this from...a book or a card??)
I sit here and think....my life has been hard. I think a lot about the days before, and sometimes a glimmer comes..a tiny ray, like the sun, just rising on a summer day. I think of peter the Apostle who stumbled just like me. Once he turned to the Lord and asked about his end. the Lord told him because peter..he is the Lord's friend. A simple man with many faults. but he is still a friend. So Peter points to another man and asks whathis end will be. The Lord said to Peter "If this is what I will, what is that to you?" The Lord was saying "Think you of your own faith. Think you of your own salvation. Think of God's purpose for you." So careful we must be. Always careful when we think of the victories and defeats of life. Careful to hold room for the mystery of God. The power of our lord to turn defeat and pain and suffering into good. he is good for each of us. When we face failure in our life, hold we must to God. When we weep. it is on God's shoulder we must cry. When we suffer, it is with him beside us. because then he will heal us and make us whole again. And when life pushes and tugs and tries to pull us away from God, this we must remember: The symbol of our King is THE CROSS. the Father lost his Son. losty to separate us from our sins, the whole world's sins. Lost to death, he was. Tragic painful death. The Lord God, our father, knows. He knows. What has happened in the past has no bearing on the promises of the future. he has said He will be with me. That is a promise. He never breaks his promises. If I allowed my faith to be moved this way and that by the circumstances of life, then I was standing too far from God. If I was thinking that having good things and a good life meant being blessed by God, and that bad things merant abandonment by God, then I did not have real faith.
(I can't remember where I got this from...a book or a card??)
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